Ways that movies lie about sex

ways-movies-lie-about-sex

Ways that movies lie about sex

The holy trinity of a good  mainstream and predictable film should have a gorgeous woman (or even one that does not know that is beautiful and is transformed half the way of the film), a not so smart but handsome man who is sometimes a jerk but has been through a lot and has a sensitive heart and finally a form of villain, like an ex-husband, or an evil mother in law.

Let’s say that the couple of the movie falls in love (completely random and passionately) while shopping artichokes in the super market and then it’s time to have sex. No problem, because every time that a couple in a movie is having sex for the first time, there is always a lot of passion, nothing goes wrong and no one makes awkward mistakes.

Well it’s time to demystify this situation, don’t you think?

When movie sex ends, the partners uncouple with the greatest of ease. They just sort of roll off of each other and go back to joke-cracking or crime-fighting or whatever the scene requires. After real sex, there’s an un-ignorable period of (let’s hope) at least three seconds wherein the inserter must remove himself from the insertee.

After movie sex, women hop up and get a sexy glass of water or something and come back to bed with nary a leak. You never see one sex partner toss the other a towel and say, «Here, clean yourself up,» like how it actually happens.

The slow finger-tracing of the partner’s body and deep stares amid the thrusts really only happen in movies, which is too bad, since it’s the only real way to tell if you’re in love.

Kissing in the morning? Real people wouldn’t do this to their worst enemy, or spouse, or both.

Picture the scene: a man and a woman who have been fighting for months finally realise they’re meant to be together (sure, OK). The lights are appropriately dim and a bra is swiftly removed. He lays her down gently on the bed (remember, all men are strong enough to lift their female partners), climbs on top of her and…reaches over her head to open his bedside drawer and remove a condom? Nope. Never happens.

If we all had sex with us much regard for safety as they do in films, rates of pregnancy and STIs would shoot way way up. And the weirdest part is that it usually isn’t a plot point. It’s rare for a female character to wake up and say «Oh no, I accidentally had unprotected sex last night. I should head to the pharmacy for a morning after pill».

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